After you realize ok yes, I gave this person 1,5,10,15,20 +years of my life, (sigh) it's over! There's nothing to make up, there's no, "we can talk about it in the morning" because that day isn't coming... I, personally began to spiral downward. I got 4 kids (one child who wasn't a year old at the time) I'm trying to finish nursing school, a hectic job and now you want a divorce... (head scream)
It hit me like a ton of bricks, I mean, to say or marriage was perfect those who know me can tell you it was rocky, but "WE" as a couple pulled through. This was harsh on me and I really didn't give myself alot of time for grief... I blew it off like "NO, your going to make it, you ain't got no other choice boo! Who is going to take care of the kids?" So I listed my bills and calculated the hours I needed to work to get a certain amount of money and still have time for school... And for 1.5 years I was doing it or so I thought I was. What I didn't realize is I was losing heart in my faith, I was going through a spell of being lonely, I still am working my life away, and now I'm failing in school...
I tried to study more but the baby needed my attention, then I had to get to work by 4p so I had to let my oldest take care of her so I can be at work on time. I work with clients who have mental and physical disabilities, to say it can be challenging is not doing any justice for people who really do this! I got to work and sometimes my clients were having meltdowns, boy crazy, cutting, fighting, etc and it left little time for studying... 16hr shifts and I have to do meds, cook, make sure they got clothes out clean and ready for the next day not to now mention, books for documentation, cleaning up, and making sure rooms are nice and neat if there's a house check. Now from here I go straight to school do my time, test, lab, practice for clinicals and or projects. You would think ok now she's going to rest hahaha, you're so funny... I go home start dinner, clean up after the kids, check mail, pay bills, sign notes, talk to teachers, I have the baby with me, grocery shopping or getting new clothing or hygiene items... All this being done by me! I'm drained, stressed, and felt very useless. I started dating and I had a guy tell me "your face is so pretty and your shape is right, you need to just lose your tummy." I wanted to complain but, he was right so I'm working out added to all the stress I got going on but I'm doing it...
I finally met this guy who is a Pakistani cutie! Omg their hair is jet black and gorgeous! He snatches my breath away just by talking and so now we're online dating because I have school , work, kids, bills none of this stops even for happiness. We're talking during my 3rd qtr and I was so busy trying to be happy I failed... So I'm depressed but I have a quote unquote boyfriend so it's ok. Well time goes by and I'm nervous, I sure as hell don't want this to be a freaking repeat of me and my ex so I put the breaks on and met someone else. He was African, young, very sweet and pleasurable (to be around) but in chasing him and wanting to be up under each other every minute of every day I lost my job... So now I'm not in school, and now I'm not making money... Omg so we had to move in with my grandparents which is an epic disaster (which I we will discuss in another blog) I started getting unemployment, then found another job, I was going to sign up for the projects but it hurt my heart to take my kids BACK to a place I knew wouldn't be no good for our family... So I asked how does one get section 8? The lady told me the secret and all praise to God within 3 weeks we had it. So in my head I'm dancing, until I find there's no 3br in the area I have to use to voucher... Omg so we are stuck for another 2 months. Thank God we finally move in to our new house which is smaller than the apartment we had but God gave us this so it's a freaking palace!
Now my ex husband wants to start rekindling a fire that is NO longer there... I admit we did try but I was so over him and done we couldn't... Then it got to a point where we were fighting because he didn't want to help do things for the kids... Just recently we are better and more cordial with each other.
I had met another guy and we met and kicked it but it just wasn't right... I still felt lonely, lost, and very confused. So after I dropped off the boys to school, took baby girl to her dad, I turned the music down low and started for real talking to God. I asked, "What must I do? Why I gotta be the one lonely? Why can't I find a spouse? Am I meant to be alone? How can I be right, do right and proceed better in my faith." It was in that moment I realized God wanted me to learn can't noone make me happy unless I'm happy with the creator 1st and myself! I said I need to start writing but I didn't want the chore of writing it down, so I turned to blogging. I knew other people are out there who understand my pain, they do feel, are feeling, have felt this and made it through. So I said to myself this 1st blog is dedicated to God, the one who opened my eyes to realize I need only him so I can be happy. God willing after I start this new job I will pay off school, finish my last 2 quarters and pass my Nclex. IF God wills I will go and see the Pakistani cutie I'm crushing on... I hope everything works that way but if not at least I'm happy with God and the rest will be ok.
It hit me like a ton of bricks, I mean, to say or marriage was perfect those who know me can tell you it was rocky, but "WE" as a couple pulled through. This was harsh on me and I really didn't give myself alot of time for grief... I blew it off like "NO, your going to make it, you ain't got no other choice boo! Who is going to take care of the kids?" So I listed my bills and calculated the hours I needed to work to get a certain amount of money and still have time for school... And for 1.5 years I was doing it or so I thought I was. What I didn't realize is I was losing heart in my faith, I was going through a spell of being lonely, I still am working my life away, and now I'm failing in school...
I tried to study more but the baby needed my attention, then I had to get to work by 4p so I had to let my oldest take care of her so I can be at work on time. I work with clients who have mental and physical disabilities, to say it can be challenging is not doing any justice for people who really do this! I got to work and sometimes my clients were having meltdowns, boy crazy, cutting, fighting, etc and it left little time for studying... 16hr shifts and I have to do meds, cook, make sure they got clothes out clean and ready for the next day not to now mention, books for documentation, cleaning up, and making sure rooms are nice and neat if there's a house check. Now from here I go straight to school do my time, test, lab, practice for clinicals and or projects. You would think ok now she's going to rest hahaha, you're so funny... I go home start dinner, clean up after the kids, check mail, pay bills, sign notes, talk to teachers, I have the baby with me, grocery shopping or getting new clothing or hygiene items... All this being done by me! I'm drained, stressed, and felt very useless. I started dating and I had a guy tell me "your face is so pretty and your shape is right, you need to just lose your tummy." I wanted to complain but, he was right so I'm working out added to all the stress I got going on but I'm doing it...
I finally met this guy who is a Pakistani cutie! Omg their hair is jet black and gorgeous! He snatches my breath away just by talking and so now we're online dating because I have school , work, kids, bills none of this stops even for happiness. We're talking during my 3rd qtr and I was so busy trying to be happy I failed... So I'm depressed but I have a quote unquote boyfriend so it's ok. Well time goes by and I'm nervous, I sure as hell don't want this to be a freaking repeat of me and my ex so I put the breaks on and met someone else. He was African, young, very sweet and pleasurable (to be around) but in chasing him and wanting to be up under each other every minute of every day I lost my job... So now I'm not in school, and now I'm not making money... Omg so we had to move in with my grandparents which is an epic disaster (which I we will discuss in another blog) I started getting unemployment, then found another job, I was going to sign up for the projects but it hurt my heart to take my kids BACK to a place I knew wouldn't be no good for our family... So I asked how does one get section 8? The lady told me the secret and all praise to God within 3 weeks we had it. So in my head I'm dancing, until I find there's no 3br in the area I have to use to voucher... Omg so we are stuck for another 2 months. Thank God we finally move in to our new house which is smaller than the apartment we had but God gave us this so it's a freaking palace!
Now my ex husband wants to start rekindling a fire that is NO longer there... I admit we did try but I was so over him and done we couldn't... Then it got to a point where we were fighting because he didn't want to help do things for the kids... Just recently we are better and more cordial with each other.
I had met another guy and we met and kicked it but it just wasn't right... I still felt lonely, lost, and very confused. So after I dropped off the boys to school, took baby girl to her dad, I turned the music down low and started for real talking to God. I asked, "What must I do? Why I gotta be the one lonely? Why can't I find a spouse? Am I meant to be alone? How can I be right, do right and proceed better in my faith." It was in that moment I realized God wanted me to learn can't noone make me happy unless I'm happy with the creator 1st and myself! I said I need to start writing but I didn't want the chore of writing it down, so I turned to blogging. I knew other people are out there who understand my pain, they do feel, are feeling, have felt this and made it through. So I said to myself this 1st blog is dedicated to God, the one who opened my eyes to realize I need only him so I can be happy. God willing after I start this new job I will pay off school, finish my last 2 quarters and pass my Nclex. IF God wills I will go and see the Pakistani cutie I'm crushing on... I hope everything works that way but if not at least I'm happy with God and the rest will be ok.
